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Doctor Thinks Hospital’s Hand-Washing Policy “A Little Bit Much”


Savannah, GA – Annoyed at what he considered “unnecessary busywork”, chief surgeon Karl Studebaker complained to his patient, Jess Sturgess, that hand-washing was an antiquated policy with as much current application in the modern hospital as leeches or blood-letting. Studebaker also expressed indignation to Sturgess over how often his surgical tools need to be sterilized, calling it “overkill” to wash…

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Taking Lessons From Latest Video Game Releases, Silicon Valley Startup Replaces Employee Bonuses With Loot Boxes


Palo Alto, CA – After spending over $40,000 on Call of Duty loot boxes, Alfonse DiBertolo, CEO of JanoNano Technologies, announced plans to “introduce the thrill of gamification mechanics to the workplace” by providing employees with randomized rewards instead of their expected quarterly bonus. Going forward, JanoNano employees will instead have a one percent chance at a legendary reward, such…

Out Of Office Email Most Thorough Communication Man Has Ever Written


Jacksonville, FL – Known around the office for using as little communication as possible in emails, coworkers were shocked by Greg Emmelson’s cogent, detailed out of office message that clearly explained what to do during his vacation. Emmelson had earned a reputation for sending short emails less than a sentence long filled with auto-corrected grammatical errors from his iPhone, oftentimes…

Alcoholic’s Sunday Routine Ruined By Saint Patrick’s Day Drinkers


Dallas, TX – Arriving at work less hungover than usual despite Saint Patrick’s Day occurring just yesterday, office alcoholic Alex Bowers immediately burst into a tirade complaining about the vast number of drinkers that filled up his usual Sunday night drinking spots. According to Bowers, the “amateur hour” boozers forced him to instead spend his Sunday drinking alone at home…

Startup Receives One Star Glassdoor Rating For Not Having PlayStation 4 Pro In Break Room


Palo Alto, CA – Despite providing employees with free lunches, private yoga lessons, and reasonably priced health benefits, tech startup Miyogee still received a blistering one-star Glassdoor review whose biggest complaint was the office’s lack of a Sony Playstation 4 Pro, instead only having the base-model Playstation 4.  The review blasted Miyogee for “creating a third-world work environment that doesn’t…

New DNA Testing Startup Identifies What Form Of Debasement Employees’ Genetics Respond Best To


San Francisco, CA – As other genetic testing companies advertise their ability to match customers with their ideal wine flavor or marijuana strain based on their DNA, Management Material bills itself as the only biotechnology startup to collect and parse user DNA and accurately model what sort of professional abuse they require from their boss. Management Material claims to analyze…

Facebook’s Latest Policy Update Requires Advertisers Say Something Nice About Mark Zuckerberg’s Mom


Menlo Park, CA – In what it claims is an effort to increase civil discourse on the platform, Facebook’s recent ad policy changes now politely demand that any ad mentions what a great job Karen Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg’s mother, did raising such a nice young man. The revised terms and conditions also accept any ads that mention what a great…

CEO Donates Copy Of ‘Kama Sutra’ To Office Book Club


Philadelphia, PA – Calling it “one of the most insightful business books ever written,” Plaxio CEO Jack Hostetler contributed his 20-year-old copy of the Kama Sutra to the office’s book club and is extremely hopeful that his employees circulate it amongst themselves. While he is aware that the book is known worldwide for its graphic sex tutorials, Hostetler insists that…

Man Gives Up Work For Lent


San Diego, CA – Declaring that this is the year he finally he stays committed to a goal, Wayne Sutton has sworn off doing any work during Lent.  Sutton clarified to his manager that his abstainment would include not just his job, but also any yardwork, housework, and any work to improve himself as a person.   When confronted by his…

After Failing To Reach Political Win With Coworkers, Office Bureaucrat Vies For Domination Victory


Washington, D.C. – Deeming it necessary to pivot after failing to generate any influence in local office politics, Chuck Mendelsohn, lobbyist at McGavers & Nash, immediately shifted his focus to achieving a domination win by any means necessary. Coworkers note that Mendelsohn’s attempt to successfully navigate the firm’s office politics were flimsy at best, but reached a low point when…