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Physical Therapist Offended Patient Hasn’t Gotten A Boner Yet


Jacksonville, FL – After Dan Newman confirmed for the fifth time that he hadn’t spontaneously achieved erection during their rehab session, physical therapist Clint Pittman found himself affronted that his deep tissue massage hadn’t generated any sexual excitement in his patient whatsoever. Pittman repeatedly declared that, in over 1,000 rehabilitation massages, this was the first time that he wasn’t able…

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LinkedIn Job Description Is Just Veiled List Of Complaints About Previous Employee


Denver, CO – An extremely personal and oddly specific job posting for a data analyst position broke away from the traditional format of listing responsibilities and requirements for the role and instead seemed to focus on airing out all the obnoxious habits that the previously employee brought to the office. The job description said that the position reports into the…

Pregnant Woman Nods Politely While Coworker Complains About Only Getting Seven Hours Of Sleep


Charlotte, NC – Ignoring the constant, uninterrupted spasming of her unborn baby inside of her, account executive Patty Nunes used all of her remaining willpower to feign sympathy while her coworker, Melvin Huff, complained about feeling “totally wrecked” after not getting his usual eight to ten hours of sleep. After Huff told Nunes, who currently spends the majority of her…

Account Executive Decides To Stop Wearing Tie After Seeing How Cool Eric And Donald Trump Jr. Look Without One


Dallas, TX – Inspired by what he calls Eric and Donald Trump Jr’s “power look”, regional account executive Dean Maxwater has decided that he, too, would no longer wears ties with his suits to appear as cool yet sophisticated as the President’s oldest sons. Maxwater has repeatedly complimented the brothers for looking like they could simultaneously “run a company and…

Man’s Perfect March Madness Bracket Ruined After Trump University Upsets Duke


Las Vegas, NV – Disappointed in himself for not seeing it coming, marketing manager Shane Teller was heartbroken after his perfect NCAA bracket failed to predict top-seeded Duke’s shocking loss to the unranked Trump University team. Trump University was considered a long shot to even make the tournament, especially after the school had closed in 2010 and didn’t have a…

Man Alarmed By How Quickly Coworkers Agreed To Vegetarian Restaurant For Lunch


Santa Monica, CA – Caught off-guard by his coworkers’ rapid agreement to “go somewhere healthy and light” for lunch, a visibly catatonic Peter Donnelly found himself sitting in the back of his coworker’s Toyota Mirai as his department drove to the nearest vegetarian restaurant instead of his preferred destination, such as an Applebee’s or the deli department of the nearest…

Liberal Coworker Suddenly Regretting Decision To Get Robert Mueller Tattoo


San Francisco, CA – After learning that the special prosecutor’s investigation failed to tie President Trump to Russian collusion, obstruction of justice, corporate tax fraud, depraved sexual behavior, or just being a total jerk with smaller-than-average hands, social media manager Harlan Mortensen told confidants that he may have “jumped the gun” on his decision to get Robert Mueller’s face tattooed…

Coworker Just Bringing Laptop To Bathroom Now


Reno, NV – Deciding he could do more in the bathroom than simply send emails and take phone calls from his iPhone, Jeff Harrison has begun bringing his work laptop with him while going to the bathroom for stretches that last a minimum of two hours. Despite multiple complaints to H.R., Krissy LeGoff, Vice President of People Operations, stated that…

Looking To Outdo Elon Musk and Richard Branson, CEO Promises To Be First To Reach Narnia


Tulsa, OK – Adamant that Elon Musk and Richard Branson are “yesterday’s news”, Travis Gardner, CEO of fracking firm GroundPounders, announced that his company was hard at work finding the means to travel to the fictional realm of Narnia. Gardner told reporters that his top minds were already hard at work researching “wardrobe-based portal technology” that he expects will revolutionize…

Bezos Founds New Charity Dedicated To Feeding Starving Amazon Employees


Seattle, WA – Determined to fix a problem that he says has been ignored for far too long, Amazon founder and world’s richest billionaire Jeff Bezos announced that his new charity, Amazon Meals Prime, would provide free meals once a week to underpaid Amazon employees that struggle to eat every night. Bezos noted that the service would only be available…