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Know-It-All Coworker Unaware That Shtick Only Works On TV


Pittsburgh, PA – Seemingly oblivious to the fact that all of his coworkers want to punch him in the face, George Zimmerman has devoutly emulated his favorite hyper-intelligent, arrogant, pretentious TV characters while at work. Zimmerman, who models almost all of his human interaction off of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock, and that other…

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Coworker’s Favorite Game Is Playing Devil’s Advocate


Boston, MA – After coworkers were discussing what they enjoy doing for fun, product manager Jessica Shelton responded that she loves playing devil’s advocate, which lets her tear down her peer’s ideas while putting on a facade that she’s simply offering a previously unconsidered perspective. Shelton has never lost playing devil’s advocate, instead making other employees look like they’ve overlooked…

Morning Commuter Triple Checks That His Car Windows Are Rolled Up Before Cranking Maroon 5


Hartsville, NY – Before heading to work and listening to his favorite guilty pleasure, Maroon 5, Chris Barrett meticulously reviewed the interior of his BMW 320 to confirm that the windows were sealed completely, fearful that a single window lowered even millimeters could potentially alert nearby strangers that Adam Levine’s dulcet vocals were coming from inside the car. Barrett, a…

Entrepreneur’s Plan For Seed Funding Entirely Dependent On Seducing Mackenzie Bezos


Seattle, WA – Determined to finally fulfill his dream of building “Uber for coffee”, Spencer Powell told his team that they’ll have almost unlimited funding and resources as soon as he knocks up Mackenzie Bezos, the separated wife of billionaire Jeff Bezos. Despite the two having never met, nor having any connection beyond both being Seattle residents, Powell is confident…

God Answers Woman’s Prayer And Persuades Manager To Cancel 5 P.M. Meeting


Portland, OR – Renee Quinn was pleasantly surprised when her silent prayer asking God to convince her manager, Colleen Ortiz, to cancel their 5 p.m. touch base was answered, restoring her faith in a higher power. Quinn’s salvation from the late meeting ensured that she wouldn’t miss happy hour at the nearby Chili’s. According to sources, God considered answering 8…

Man Accidentally Outs Himself As Threat To Society After Asking Coworkers For Android Charger


Chicago, IL – Employees at home stereo retail store Tundracoustics were horrified to discover that Calvin Silva is a subhuman monster after asking multiple coworkers if they had an Android charger, presumably assuming that some other soulless degenerate in the building didn’t own an iPhone. Sources report that no coworkers were harmed during the situation and were able to successfully…

Star Wars Toy Only Thing Keeping Employee From Breaking Down At Work


Cleveland, OH – Overworked software engineer Casey Hopkins was able to stave off a nervous collapse at work by ignoring the soul-crushing workload that constantly took him away from his life’s dreams and instead focusing intensely on his Hot Toys Stormtrooper collectible figure. Sources close to Hopkins state that this is the 673rd consecutive day that the sixth scale action…

Furloughed IRS Agent Excited To Return To Work and Finally Finish P.F. Chang’s Leftovers In Office Fridge


Washington, D.C. – Relief washed over Carl Hill’s face after his wife told him that the government shutdown was ending, as he realized he would finally be able to polish off the P.F. Chang’s he left in the fridge over 35 days ago. When his wife warned him that the food had most likely gone bad, Hill assured her that…