Man Struggling Whether To Use Death In Family Or Diarrhea As Excuse To Not Come Into Work

Grand Rapids, MI – As he he put more thought into what excuse to use than he had on any actual task at work, project manager Doug Duran vacillated on whether the death of a non-existent grandparent or incredibly severe diarrhea would be a better last-minute reason to not go into the office today. Adding to the dilemma is the fact that Duran has already killed off three imaginary relatives and one fake fiancée in order to go to the midnight screenings of the past four Marvel movies, but he also called out sick with polio so that he could attend Coachella.

According to sources, Duran has decided to pin his absence on a severe bout of typhoid fever brought on by the death of both of his grandparents, and he will subsequently spend the day replaying Grand Theft Auto V for the seventh time.

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