Uber Employee Extremely Disappointed To Not Be Part Of Mass Layoffs

San Francisco, CA – Tearing up as he watched his Uber coworkers escorted out of the building, senior analyst Jake Cortez couldn’t contain his sadness upon discovering that he wasn’t included in the latest round of mass layoffs. Just a few minutes later, Cortez had to excuse himself from his desk to cry in the bathroom after a group text with his laid off coworkers celebrated how happy they were to be able to immediately sell their shares in the company before their value tanked even further.

“I’ve seen so many people come and go, yet somehow I’m never one of those going,” mourned Cortez, who has been at Uber for over four years and is considered one of their most valuable analytics minds. “While coworkers I’ve barely known for a month are getting severance packages big enough to almost rent their own apartment here, I’m stuck pulling metrics on which Uber Eats drivers keep eating our customers’ appetizers.”

Related: Group of CEOs Each Waiting For Someone Else To Call Uber

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