Cedar Rapids, IA – As he struggled to go more than a few seconds without fighting the urge to vomit, Drew McKinney told coworkers he was “shocked” that an extra cup of coffee to start his day hadn’t gotten rid of his massive hangover from over 44 hours of casual-to-professional drinking. McKinney, who refused his coworkers’ repeated suggestion to just drink water, has also gone through a pack of cigarettes, two McDonald’s Egg McMuffins, and approximately 12 trips to the bathroom.
Despite turning 44 this year, McKinney has shown no interest in cutting back his drinking, instead considering it “a badge of honor” to still be able to pound as much Natural Ice today as he could when he was a college sophomore. According to sources, McKinney has “no idea” how he ended up so hungover, despite this being a regular occurrence every Monday morning. McKinney’s best guess is that he must have eaten some bad street vendor hot dogs around 4:30 a.m. on Saturday. He has dismissed any notion that the hangover could be tied to drinking a liter of Jack Daniels while re-watching Happy Gilmore Sunday afternoon.
McKinney is currently hoping to survive long enough to join the team for lunch, where he insists a few mid-day beers “will warm up the old engine.”