Seattle, WA – With employees threatening to strike over concerns of the climate change crisis, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has responded to their demands by vowing to overwork over 30,000 warehouse employees until they die on the floor. Bezos proudly stated that he had already set the wheels in motion by removing any food and water from the warehouses and welding all entrances shut from the outside.
“Climate change is clearly a man-made problem,” stated Bezos while speaking to the Amazon Bellevue Warehouse workers. “And too much time is spent focusing on fake problems, like whether Amazon creates too much shipping waste, or whether it’s harmful that I fly on my private plane just to check the mail.”
Bezos, dressed in body armor and night-vision goggles while carrying an AR-15 assault rifle, then proceeded to cut all power and hunt workers in the darkness while shouting, “lights out, planet-killers!”