Baltimore, MD – After plastering his office with various degrees, certifications, and prestigious awards from his peers, oncologist Ben Lennen is cautiously optimistic that patients will actually take his medical knowledge seriously enough to not ask him whether lavender- or vanilla-scented essential oils are better for warding off stage four cancer. Dr. Lennen noted that the rise of multi-level marketing scams, coupled with the gullible stupidity of people on Facebook, has led to a steep rise in patients that remain skeptical in his decades of training but are willing to believe that a couple of essential oil drops on the wrist can somehow cure pancreatic cancer.
Dr. Lennen took a break from responding to one-star Yelp reviews about his practice not offering any holistic treatment options for fatal diseases to explain why he felt the need to display his credentials so prominently.
“At first I thought I was being pranked when Sally Drummond told me she was going to use essential oils to fight off liver cancer instead of the rigorous chemotherapy treatment I prescribed,” said Dr. Lennen. “But then, I had a dozen more patients ask why I wasn’t offering them ‘alternative solutions’ like aromatherapy, or hypnosis, or even that hallucinogenic tea they drink in South America to fight cancer.
“If this doesn’t work, I’ll probably just start printing out the obituaries to everyone that doesn’t listen to me and putting those up there instead.”