Seattle, WA – As the Amazon rain forest fire became a global threat to the planet’s wellbeing, graphic designer Fletcher Atherton could only shake his head and wonder how his email signature to “please consider the environment before printing” hadn’t prevented the tragedy in the first place. Atherton, who prides himself on always choosing the morally superior side of any cause while also not actively doing anything for them, has been shocked to discover that there are other factors that could affect the environment besides whether or not someone prints his email detailing his five favorite Radiohead lyrics.
Unsurprisingly to his coworkers, Atherton was successfully able to make the complex political and ecological issue about himself.
“As a vegan, I’m not consuming any of the livestock that farmers are burning the forest down in order to produce more of,” said Atherton. “Maybe if I had included ‘please consider the environment before eating those defenseless cows’, every coastline on Earth wouldn’t be a lamb’s whisker away from going underwater.”
After work, Atherton plans on posting to Instagram a shirtless video of himself in bed telling his followers he’s “fed up” with the Amazon forest fire, corporate greed, and the lack of a new a Death Cab For Cutie album.