Palo Alto, CA – As he spoke robotically without blinking to a crowd about their new cryptocurrency, Libra, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg reassured investors that the decentralized financial infrastructure would solve the legacy problems of banks and national currencies by ensuring the growth and well-being of Zuckerberg’s own bottom line. Early adopters would be incentivized by receiving discounts on Facebook Marketplace purchases, which is apparently a thing that still exists.
“By investing in Libra, Facebook users are choosing not to store their money in faceless banks with stuffy regulations and instead are opting to invest directly in me,” Zuckerberg explained while offering no comment on how Facebook would prevent this data from getting stolen just like every other piece of personal information they’ve ever collected. “And if my constant battles with the FCC, the European Union, and the Senate have proven, I’m pretty much unkillable.
“So stop putting your money in outdated currency, and put it in Libra. Preferably as soon as possible, I owe like five billion to the Feds.”