Report Reveals Constant Barrage Of Work Notifications Impeding Employees’ Ability To Search For New Job During Office Hours

Seattle, WA – A new study released by the University of Washington’s Workplace Analysis Division revealed that the unending barrage of notifications – ranging from emails, Slack notifications, Jira updates, and being yelled at from across the office – have left the average American office worker too stressed and overstimulated to spend a second of their workday looking for a new job. The near-constant stream of information has unintentionally forced disgruntled employees to actually stay at jobs they hate since their time outside of work is typically dedicated to heavy drinking.

Lead researcher Connie Wu was amazed at how quickly all of these notifications sapped American workers of their normal migration patterns of switching jobs at the slightest sign of discomfort.

“As recently five years ago, the typical office handicapped stall would be occupied by some disgruntled employee quietly talking to a recruiter about why they’re ready for a new opportunity,” stated Dr. Wu. “But now, you’d be lucky to find someone in a bathroom that isn’t responding to a Slack notification asking if they had a chance to read some email about a Confluence update.”

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