Culver City, CA – In what would be the first in a series of events that would eventually lead to the collapse of the entire organization, Pixotude office manager Helen Flores chose to save 5% on bathroom supplies and reduce wiping comfort by 150% after downgrading to single-ply toilet paper. Despite her sense of accomplishment, Flores failed to predict that the downgrade would lead to ineffective butt-wipes by employees, leading to lower morale, increased sick days taken, more time spent in the bathroom, and a negative reputation on Glassdoor for giving employees “a bad case of stinkfinger.”
“When we look at the highest-performing organizations, there is one singular thread that unites all of them: sparing no expense in the lavatories,” stated John Garland, researcher at the U.S. Department of Labor specializing in the “Plyness Paper Performance Initiative”. “Facebook, Amazon, and Microsoft would never use anything less than two-ply toilet paper. Apple even uses their own toilet paper made by children in the basement of their iPhone factories rumored to be seven-ply.
“Our best bet to improve the economy isn’t to bring factory jobs back to U.S. soil, but to wipe out mud-butt once and for all.”