Los Angeles, CA – Software developers, back-end engineers, QA testers, and undateable virgins across all of America’s offices found themselves dealing with an unexpected identity crisis upon learning that Loot Crate has filed for bankruptcy. Loot Crate was one of the original subscription box startups, where users could pay to hopefully receive merchandise from one of Marvel or Fox’s tentpole properties, but instead end up with whatever was left over from one of its formerly popular franchises that they had driven into the ground.
The announcement has caused millions of men who substitute nerd pop-culture for their own personality to suddenly recoil at the horror of having to come up with their own interests and tastes.
“Oh my God, for the past year the only small-talk I’ve made with anyone that comes up to my desk has been about the limited-edition Fallout 4 Liberty Prime figure that Loot Crate is sending to me piece-by-piece,” fretted James Dugan. “I have no family, no girlfriend, no pets, no friends. When people see me in the hall, they ask how my toys are doing, and I actually respond like they have feelings. ‘Liberty Prime is doing great, but she keeps asking where her head’s at!’ Now, because of Loot Crate, people are just going to ask me if I’m okay, but with that tone like they’re genuinely concerned about my well-being.”
According to sources, the hipster community is bracing for an influx of Loot Crate subscribers deciding that they’re now “super-big” on nitro coffee.