Williamsburg, VA – Fed up with always finding the handicapped stall occupied, CEO Mitch Young of local marketing firm Reach Williamsburg sent a company-wide memo declaring smart phones banned from the bathroom, imploring that employees focus on “getting their actual business done” instead of just mindlessly thumbing through whatever infinite-scroll app they’re addicted to. Young came up with the idea after spending all of Q2 monitoring each employee’s bathroom habits to determine how much time was spent perusing the internet and how much was spent actually using the facilities for their intended purpose. Young’s proprietary Bathroom Business Ratio takes into account each person’s diet, their time spent in the bathroom, and the amount of time between their last flush and exiting the stall.
Using this revolutionary calculation, Young was able to determine that employees spend over three times the amount of time needed in the bathroom, time that could have been applied to any number of tasks and projects that were either underperforming or behind schedule. Almost immediately after implementing the new policy, Young saw a dramatic jump in productivity across the board.
“At first, the team was incredibly upset with my decision, equating it to Nazi Germany since it’s the cool thing to denounce things with,” said Young while standing outside the men’s room with a stopwatch. “But then, we start seeing all of our client’s campaigns outperforming their projections. Our tech team is breezing through projects. We’re so far ahead that I’m considering switching to a four-day workweek.
“Not to mention we no longer have to carry hemorrhoid cream in the first aid kit.”