Palo Alto, CA – Recognizing that they are “coming to the table on this problem later than any could have ever realized”, high-profile Silicon Valley executives gathered to figure out how to start cashing in on the uniquely American mass-shooting epidemic. Sources say that the thought leaders had no idea that the shootings would continue for so long, and released a statement expressing their condolences for taking so long to finally turn their monetization efforts on them.
“We apologize to all our shareholders for failing to recognize these mass shootings as this country’s new normal,” the statement read. “For too long we’ve done nothing while waiting for U.S. politicians to put aside partisan rhetoric and find a solution to these violent outbreaks. Obviously, that was really, really stupid of us.
“From now on, the same companies that have looked to make a profit by selling our user data, illegally tracking your personal activity, and utilizing child labor while marking up products over 400% will now focus on how to start making bank off mass shootings. Some of our initial ideas include:
- Apple-branded bullet-proof vests that connect to your iPhone and have a completely different charging port from all other Apple devices for no good reason
- Facebook push notifications to alert your friends that you are safe, once you finish watching a :30 second video ad
- Updated Uber surge pricing geographically targeted within five miles of each shooting”
In a separate statement, President Trump called the Silicon Valley efforts “totally disgusting, unless they want to cut me in on some of that bullet-proof vest action.”