Amazon’s New SWAT Prime Offers Same-Day Paramilitary Strike Team For School and Business Shootings

Seattle, WA – With gun violence in America going nowhere and no other tech giant profiting off of it yet, Amazon has taken both matters into its own hands by unveiling SWAT Prime, which will allow Amazon Prime subscribers to request a combat-ready military force trained to deal specifically with office shootings and school shootings. Powered by Amazon’s one-click checkout, users can order a variety of options, such as a hostage situation at one of the country’s universities when the next male student blames the entire female gender for not being able to find a date to an extended firefight in one of the nation’s most prestigious news offices when domestic terrorists take what they read on the internet too seriously.

Much like how Amazon revitalized the USPS, experts see this as an opportunity for the tech giant to swoop in and provide fundamental infrastructure that the government has no idea how to wrap their heads around. However, not everyone supports the idea of Amazon now offering mercenary services.

“I don’t care how you cut it, this is war-profiteering, plain and simple,” stated Seattle city council member Leslie Wyatt. “Americans need to boycott this service to send a clear message that we do not want on-demand militias in our country, just same-day delivery on self-assembled couches, kitchen spices, and, of course, toilet paper.”

SWAT Prime is currently being tested at major college campuses across the country, and orders should be expected to arrive within 45 minutes to three hours, pending driver availability.

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