By Jason Holmes
Senior Vice President of Marketing, Holmes Aerodynamics
As you’re all aware, we’ve had a technical snag with our most recent batch of 747 ailerons accidentally falling off of planes about 30 seconds after takeoff. I’m not 100% on the details since I’ve been traveling the Amazon working on our future business strategy while high out my mind on ayahuasca. This fiasco is completely unacceptable, and I don’t want to hear any excuses, unless it totally covers my ass.
Listen, I’ve heard some of you already try and play the blame game and point the finger at me, and it’s actually hurtful. Things like, “Jason, there wasn’t enough time to properly QA our work after you moved the project deadline up six months”, or “Jason, you’ve over-promised what our aileron even does.” Listen, my job is to market it, it’s clearly someone else’s job to build it. You think Steve Jobs was in China getting his thumb cut off while piecing together iPhones? No, he was at Apple HQ getting the best quote on safety nets to put outside the production facilities so assembly workers couldn’t kill themselves. That’s what leaders do.
Oh great, another plane with our aileron just crashed and the news is getting all huffy about it. Let’s get serious, cut out the B.S., and figure out why not only is this not my fault, but I deserve a promotion for shepherding the company through such rough waters. I would like to proactively commend whoever is brave enough to take responsibility for this, especially knowing that we won’t be able to offer any severance. In fact, you’ll most likely be criminally investigated by the FAA, but I’m more than happy to pay for a one-way ticket to Venezuela.
Anyway, I’ve got CNN on hold back in my office. Who’s up for hopping on the phone? Unfortunately I won’t be able to join you on the call since I’ve got a volleyball game waiting for me, but I’m sure you’ll know just what to say without me around.
Related: Op-Ed: No Pressure, But If We Don’t Beat This Escape Room, Someone’s Getting Fired