Los Angeles, CA – Coworkers were unsurprised to discover that Dax Collins, a supposed grown adult that, despite driving for over twenty years yet still not being able to merge without cutting over at the last possible second, is a completely mess in pretty much every other aspect of his life, if not worse. Collins, who routinely cheats death every morning on his commute to work by playing a game of chicken with other commuters, big rigs, fire trucks, and the occasional military convoy, considers himself to be a “better than average” driver.
According to people that Collins considers to be friends but who actually consider themselves to be just acquaintances, Collins also thinks that he is doing well for himself because he lives in Los Angeles and is leasing an entry-level luxury car. When asked to comment, he simply laughed while blocking the middle of an intersection in his BMW 1-Series.
“I live in the moment,” Collins said as he sent unsolicited dick pics to someone that isn’t his longtime girlfriend, Erin Cooper. “Planning ahead, either on the road or in life, is as pointless as paying more than the monthly minimum on my perpetually increasing credit card balance.”
Collins then proceeded to force the southbound lanes of Venice Boulevard to come to a screeching halt while he attempted to turn left into Chick-Fil-A.