Op-Ed: You’ll Never Guess What All This Humidity Is Doing To My Crotch

By Doug Cunningham

Senior Mailroom Operations and Logistics Coordinator

It’s officially summer out here in Florida, and and we all know what that means: enough humidity to turn any man’s thighs into a slip-n-slide you could reach terminal velocity on. I know you might think that busy schedule of a senior mailroom operations and logistics coordinator would mean that I don’t have bandwidth to talk to you about what this weather is doing to my nether regions, but fortunately for you, I’ve found the time.

As a life-long Floridian, I use a different barometer for measuring the humidity in the air, if you catch my drift. Now some of you might turn on the television and rely on the weatherman to tell you that its summer, but all I need to do is take one look at my seat in the office mailroom, and I can tell you by the size of the puddle the exact level of moisture and precipitation in the air. Yet somehow everyone wants to take some meteorologist’s word over mine.

In my weaker moments, when I can’t tell where my flesh begins and ends, I sometimes find myself perusing the likes of Amazon for a second set of khakis. But then I remember, these are the same pair of khakis that I wore to every Florida Marlins day game for the past three years, and I just can’t imagine ever walking around without these Dockers clinging to every inch of my lower body.

So anyway, that’s my thoughts on humidity. I can’t wait to share them with you again the next time you get a package sent to the office.

Related: Work Cancelled Because It Just So Darn Nice Outside

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