Akron, OH – After spending almost two years seated directly outside the office bathroom, senior marketing manager Kelley Wagner has realized that she will have the daily pooping schedule of over 100 other people burned into her memory for the rest of her life. Wagner has grimly come to grips with the fact that, despite wanting to remember details like family birthdays and holidays with her family as a child, she will instead always be able to remember that, every Monday, Doug Hammond spends the first two hours of his day camped in the handicapped stall playing Plants Vs. Zombies on his iPhone.

Wagner has asked all of her coworkers to switch seats with her and has been willing to throw in additional incentives, such as picking up some of their daily work, or handling their laundry, or, in one specific case, offering a spare kidney to a coworker currently going through dialysis. Every coworker politely but firmly declined.

“There are no headphones that block out the noises coming out of Jamie Lucas’ 11:43 a.m. pre-roadmap meeting bathroom destruction, no air freshener strong enough to cut through Shawn Johnston’s 2:06 p.m. Friday late-lunch-and-drinks bathroom stench,” bemoaned Wagner. “But on the plus side, no one can ever make eye contact with me anymore, so that’s kind of a plus I guess.”

Related: Office Manager Unsure If Transgender Bathroom Should Have Standing Urinal

Making eye contact with people

Worst is when I have a meeting with them right after

Cursed to know how long people spend in there

On the flipside, coworkers notice that Wagner has made a habit of never being at her desk from 1-2 every day, what she refers to as “the

Kelley Wagner

Jamie Lucas

Shawn Johnston