Des Moines, IA – Reluctantly acknowledging his role as a father figure to his team, Colin Ferguson decided the time was right to “have a frank and open discussion about the birds and bees” with his account management team. Ferguson, who has avoided any discussion about sex with his own children, scheduled a mandatory all-day meeting with all of his employees, including 58-year-old grandmother Georgina Cummings. When Cummings insisted that her time would be better spent working, Ferguson insisted that she would “learn something she could take home with her” while repeatedly sticking his left index finger in a circle made by his right index finger and thumb, an action that Cummings plans on reporting to HR immediately after the meeting ends.
Despite seeming somewhat out of his expertise while trying to explain how sex works, as well as needing Denise Chambers’ assistance on how to roll a condom onto a banana, Ferguson defended his decision to have “the talk” with a group of adults who have all been sexually active anywhere for the past 5 to 39 years.
“This team has grown up so quickly over the years,” said Ferguson, who has only managed his employees for 14 months. “And I don’t want any of them out there ‘doing the deed’ just because their friends are doing it, or they feel peer-pressured into doing it, or even because they’re attracted to men in positions of power, such as someone that sits adjacent to Denise.
“Just because they’re grown adults doesn’t mean they can’t afford to learn a few things from their old man.”
As of press time, Ferguson was still explaining to his team why erectile dysfunction isn’t as bad as it sounds, and how it’s way more common than Denise might think.