Boston, MA – After creating another awkward silence by stating that revamping their e-commerce portal would be as satisfying as “explaining to my kids why I’m moving into a studio apartment,” coworkers keenly noticed that Ted Contrell has begun overtly referencing his acrimonious divorce in every meeting he attends. Sources state that, after debating on how to best support Contrell during this difficult period, his coworkers settled on laughing awkwardly, breaking eye contact, and texting their loved ones that they love them.
Jen Miles was forced to do just that after approaching Contrell about whether he had bandwidth to help on her current project, to which he responded that he had plenty of free time now that he no longer had a home to go to. Miles, unsure of what to say next, pretended that her car alarm was going off and left immediately.
“I like Ted, and he’s pretty knowledgeable about how to get work done,” said Contrell’s manager, Paul McCollum. “But I can’t go more than 30 seconds talking to Ted before he calls our product roadmap just as big a train wreck as the last three years of his marriage.
“I’d send him home and tell him to get his mind right, but I’m pretty sure that he’s actually just living in his car right now.”