Cincinnati, OH – Despite being behind on every single project in his JIRA queue, front-end engineer and self-proclaimed “student of the cinema” Lionel Cox felt compelled to spend the whole day notifying every single person in the office that he had not seen Avengers: Endgame, by his choice, and not due to the fact that no one invited him to any of the office viewing parties. Cox spent hours forcing coworkers to listen to him prattle on and on about how he prefers more “thoughtful, nuanced works of art”, like Roma and the Fast and Furious franchise, which he repeatedly described as “a clever send-up of action movie tropes combined with a level of subversively intelligent societal critiques.”
Instead, Cox spent the weekend reading plot synopses of the movie so that he could post spoilers in as many Reddit threads and Instagram as possible. When pressed by coworkers to explain how he can somehow “totally not care at all” about the Marvel Cinematic Universe while also feeling compelled to stay completely knowledgeable on the plot of over a decades’ worth of movies, Cox replied that it was his responsibility as a “doctor of the movie arts” to know every detail of the franchise. He also admitted to needing to know if “Cap makes it”.
As of press time, Cox was asking coworkers if anyone was interested in seeing Avengers: Endgame with him, just to confirm the movie is as bad as he he’s spent the entire day telling people.