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Op-Ed: No Pressure, But If We Don’t Beat This Escape Room, Someone’s Getting Fired


By Jason Holmes
Senior Vice President, Holmes Aerodynamics

Hey, I hope everyone’s really enjoying this team-building event. Escape rooms! They’re so hot right now, it’s like being in a real-life iPhone game. I noticed that the mood’s been pretty tense in our group ever since I joked in the car that, if we lose this game, I’d fire whoever was the weakest link. Well, it looks like we’re down to about 10 minutes left here in this escape room, and we’re not even close to figuring out who poisoned the Nigerian prince before the assassin kills all of us too. And I now want to be perfectly clear that I’m no longer joking when I say that, if we don’t figure this out, someone’s getting fired.

Darryl, I noticed you spent the entire time searching for hidden safes behind all of the pictures and bookcases, and you’ve found absolutely nothing. In fact, it looks like you ripped off an actual lamp, as if pulling it would open a secret passage. Do you think this escape room is actually the Batcave, or did you not notice that it’s located above a Chinese restaurant with only one table for dine-in customers? Doesn’t really speak well for your performance, does it?

Tick tock, looks like we’ve got less than five minutes left now. Terry, are you going through the desk drawers again? Do you think you might find something you missed the first six times you checked? This is almost as sad as that time you tried to ask for paternity leave. Your wife does all the work at home, and the rest of the team does all the work here.

Oh hey, Sharon figured it out! Nice work Sharon, you just saved everyone’s job. You see, I had gotten so frustrated by being surrounded by a bunch of losers that I felt compelled to fire all of you, but after Sharon found the audio tape of the princess killing her husband, I’m thrilled to see us all come together and succeed as a team.

Who’s up for a team dinner? I’m craving Chinese.

Related: Op-Ed: If Being Promoted To Vice President Due To Nepotism Is Wrong, Then I Don’t Want To Put In The Work To Be Right

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