Dallas, TX – NFL owners once again found themselves in awe of the “Patriot Way” after it was revealed that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was able to get the same production out of a $75 massage parlor handjob that his peers oftentimes pay over 100 times more for, just to reach the same eventual climax. According to team sources, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder unleashed a blistering tirade towards his scouting department for wasting too much time focusing on “the same high-class pieces of a– every other team is throwing thousands at” and would prefer that they instead “drive down the east coast and find every piece of stank charging less than a hundo.”
“Yeehaw, that rootin’, tootin’, sumbitch just keeps innovating while the rest of the league is out here running the same playbook,” stated one anonymous owner while drinking Miller Lite and re-watching his team’s Super Bowl victories from almost 30 years ago. “We’re out here trying to find the hottest struggling actresses and washed-up porn stars that are willing to get paid for sex acts that are technically illegal here in Texas, and Bobby Kraft doesn’t even care if his girl’s got all her teeth.
“At least we didn’t draft Aaron Hernandez.”
Outside of the football world, Kraft faced much more scrutiny among friends and colleagues for his decisions. Multiple aides in the White House confirmed that President Trump was thoroughly unimpressed by Kraft’s escort, even bragging about paying “way, way more” for 15 minutes with Stormy Daniels.