Opinion Editorial Guest Written by Taylor Gainsborough, 19 years old
For most people, it takes at least 10 years to become a doctor. For me, it took about 20 minutes. When I was a kid, my lifelong dream was to be a doctor. But unfair college admissions practices skewed towards minorities, as well as my lack of a high school degree, unfairly left me on the outside of the emergency room looking in. Fortunately, after changing my LinkedIn job title from “Gamestop Sales Associate” to “Medical Doctor With Doctorates In Every Doctoral Specialty” and adding a stethoscope to my profile picture, I’m finally getting what’s coming to me.
I can’t begin to tell you how much better my life is now that I’m a doctor on LinkedIn. First off, the internet just flat out respects me. Some idiot on Reddit was arguing with me about how the anti-vaxx movement is bringing back all kinds of made-up diseases, but the second I posted my LinkedIn profile, he realized he was out of his league. Guess what: people don’t want to argue with someone who graduated from Harvard’s doctor school when he was 17!
But it doesn’t stop there, let me tell you about how my love life has changed as well. While I haven’t yet found “the one”, my ex-girlfriend reached out to me on LinkedIn. She was so impressed by my new title that she sent me a message that just said, “seriously?”. Then she was so distraught about dumping me that she blocked my LinkedIn profile immediately after. What my ex failed to realize is that I would’ve gladly taken her back, so now the joke’s on you again, Jennifer. You just struck out twice.
But just like the show, “Doogie Howser”, it’s not all cloud nine being a medical prodigy on LinkedIn. My parents, neither of whom reached the apex of their professions, instead try to tear down my accomplishments by asking mean-spirited questions like “if you’re a doctor, then why am I still driving you to Gamestop?”, or “how many lungs does the human body have?” Instead of being so negative, my mom and dad could be using that energy for more positive things, like endorsing my brain surgery skills on LinkedIn.
But even with all I have to deal with, I wouldn’t trade my new life for the world, because now I’m more than happy to tell anyone who even looks my way that I’m a doctor. And I’ve got the LinkedIn profile to prove it.