Consultant Delighted To Discover Client A Total Shitshow

Portland, OR – After listening to Carlton Carter, CEO of marketing agency You4ia, privately deride his entire executive team as “wishy-washy limpwrists that never met a decision they couldn’t punt on”, business consultant Bianca Wolfe smiled to herself knowing that Carter’s debacle of a company would be a goldmine of client, never able to properly evaluate her performance due to the team’s inability to get out of its own way. According to her own forecasts, Wolfe expects to pay off all her student loans and a destination wedding in the Bahamas before the end of Q3 while never having to do more than listen to each of the executives throw each other under the bus.

“You4ia is one of those clients that I dream about getting, but I never really thought I’d get the chance,” an ebullient Wolfe told friends. “All I have to do is attend some meetings, and as soon as they inevitably start blaming each other for a missed deadline, I just say something snooty and pretentious, like, ‘let’s take a step back,’ or ‘I think we’re losing sight of the big picture.’ The hardest part is just not laughing at how ridiculous I sound, especially if I’ve been vaping.

“If I’m really high, I might even say something like ‘it sounds like we’re chasing ghosts,’ and then just wait for them to argue over whose fault it is.”

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