New York, NY – Realizing he was about to go almost 20 seconds without some sort of constant stimulation, Geoff Underwood quickly pulled out his iPhone while using the urinal at work. Thanks to his quick reflexes and complete disregard for keeping his phone sanitary, he was able to catch up on all the latest Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feed updates since he last checked nine seconds earlier while he was walking from his desk to the bathroom.
Underwood, who can’t remember the last time he wasn’t actively consuming some form of media from his phone, felt that his bathroom social scrolling was completely justified.
“Nothing scares me more than the idea of going almost a half-minute without checking my phone and finding out what is happening at any moment,” explained Underwood while constantly refreshing his email. “Last week I had to go to my doctor’s office and didn’t have reception in the elevator. By the time I got out, over a million people had already liked the Rock’s latest Instagram post about how blessed he is to film JUMANJI 2. I would rather die than experience that sort of agony again.”