Kansas City, MO – Despite bearing absolutely no relevance to his professional career, underachieving salesman Dax Keegan actually thought it was a good idea to list his CrossFit gym membership on his LinkedIn certifications, where he thinks potential work connections will be blown away by his inability to do a single pull-up correctly. Keegan, who hasn’t listed any of his job duties, his educational background, or any actual certifications and skills that would matter to his professional network, spends almost all of his time on LinkedIn posting quotes from other completely self-righteous shmucks like Dana White, Lance Armstrong, and Hulk Hogan.
Because he has zero self-awareness, Keegan can’t even go five minutes after meeting someone before describing how great his fancy-shmancy workout cult is.
“CrossFit isn’t just a fitness program, it’s a philosophy that teaches people to push the boundaries in every aspect of their life,” said Keegan, who has never tried to do more than the bare minimum either at work or in a romantic relationship. “Before CrossFit, I was just another account executive punching in for his 9-to-5. After CrossFit, I’m an account executive with a herniated disc who can deadlift 315 pounds.”
When asked to explain why he was late to work, Keegan explained that he lost track of time while posting the “hands in the air” emoji on the Rock’s latest Instagram post.