Tulsa, OK – Adamant that Elon Musk and Richard Branson are “yesterday’s news”, Travis Gardner, CEO of fracking firm GroundPounders, announced that his company was hard at work finding the means to travel to the fictional realm of Narnia. Gardner told reporters that his top minds were already hard at work researching “wardrobe-based portal technology” that he expects will revolutionize transportation as well as clothing storage.
However, critics remain skeptical of the announcement as an attempt to divert attention away from the repeated studies showing that fracking causes permanent environmental damage, as well as the fact that Narnia is the fictional creation of beloved author C.S. Lewis and not an actual place.
“It’s silly that these so-called ‘experts’ claim Narnia isn’t real, but then they think that pumping thousands of gallons of water into the earth in order to create new fissures for oil to pour out of is going to somehow create earthquakes,” retorted Gardner. “I don’t know about you, but man-made earthquakes sound more like fantasy than talking lions, if you ask me.”
In response to Gardner’s plan, Virgin founder Richard Branson has announced plans to partner with Prince Caspian to open a Virgin Active Gym in Narnia.