Palo Alto, CA – After spending over $40,000 on Call of Duty loot boxes, Alfonse DiBertolo, CEO of JanoNano Technologies, announced plans to “introduce the thrill of gamification mechanics to the workplace” by providing employees with randomized rewards instead of their expected quarterly bonus. Going forward, JanoNano employees will instead have a one percent chance at a legendary reward, such as a private concert with Maroon 5, and a 99% chance to win a random item from the supply closet, such as a JanoNano coffee cup, hoodie, grocery bag, or a slightly crushed moving box.
DiBertolo insists that the changes will generate a better sense of achievement for employees, and that the decision has nothing to do with his overwhelming debt accrued while gambling for character skins in online video games. He also remains adamant that the legendary rewards are actually real and will be provided, should an employee ever win one.
“Look, any company can just throw money at employees for doing a good job and call it a day,” stated DiBertolo. “But I’m interested in providing my team with an opportunity to win something truly unique, like winning an ownership stake in the San Francisco 49ers.”
Most JanoNano employees are furious at the loot box additions, noting that the odds for legendary rewards are unfairly minuscule, and also bringing attention to the fact that the rewards seem almost impossible to deliver. However, other employees have fully embraced the new loot box model.
“At first I was mad about losing my bonus, but then I saw that one of the legendary rewards is a pair of tickets on SpaceX’s first manned flight to the moon,” said back-end developer Warren Chang. “It would’ve been stupidly me if I hadn’t spent my next three paychecks for additional chances to win that trip.
“Unfortunately, I didn’t win, but now I’m pretty set on water bottles for the rest of my life.”