Dallas, TX – Arriving at work less hungover than usual despite Saint Patrick’s Day occurring just yesterday, office alcoholic Alex Bowers immediately burst into a tirade complaining about the vast number of drinkers that filled up his usual Sunday night drinking spots. According to Bowers, the “amateur hour” boozers forced him to instead spend his Sunday drinking alone at home instead of his preferred routine of drinking alone at a bar.
Bowers then proceeded to pour half a liter of vodka into his orange juice as he voiced his frustrations with Saint Patrick’s Day.
“This holiday is the worst day of the year because a bunch of unqualified idiots decide that they’re going to spend it doing what I do best: drinking until I black out,” vented Bowers. “But I can’t even do it at my favorite bar because it’s packed with a bunch of f—ing doorknob humpers drinking to have a good time instead of why people should be drinking: to forget all the pain of our daily existence.
Bowers paused to drink a bottle of vanilla extract before continuing.
“These morons think it’s some fun shtick to do once a year while I’m in the darkest dive bar every night pounding liquor until I’m ready to fight anyone that thinks Tony Romo isn’t a Hall of Fame-caliber quarterback.”