San Francisco, CA – As other genetic testing companies advertise their ability to match customers with their ideal wine flavor or marijuana strain based on their DNA, Management Material bills itself as the only biotechnology startup to collect and parse user DNA and accurately model what sort of professional abuse they require from their boss. Management Material claims to analyze over a billion different genetic markers, such as allergies, predilection towards substance abuse, and ancestral history of mental illness in each users’ spit, blood, and semen samples to determine just how loudly their manager should yell to get them to get off of Instagram and do their actual job.
While worker’s rights activists are outraged by the company’s genetic profiling, Management Material CEO Ricky Nguyen believes that their services will create more efficient workplaces across the country.
“In the current office setting, employees and managers oftentimes spend months, even years, to figure out what sort of verbal abuse is needed to get each worker off their asses,” stated Nguyen. “Our genetic testing eliminates all the guesswork. Does the employee have low testosterone? Then the manager should scream at him until the subordinate breaks down crying. Perhaps the employee’s family has a history of heart disease. In that case, it’s best to focus on mind games with the employee that cause him to distrust any of his other coworkers so that he doesn’t suffer a stroke on the floor.
“And obviously for any employee with type 2 diabetes, the manager should just withhold their insulin until performance improves.”