Data Scientist Combs Through Petabytes Of Private User Information To Find Out If High School Crush Still Smokin’ Hot

Palo Alto, CA – After spending months deep-diving into social media app Timesuckr’s user posts, photos, likes, and behind-the-scenes interactions, Spencer McBride successfully confirmed that Angela Holloway, his high school crush, is still totally hot and at least an eleven out of ten. McBride forced reluctant colleagues to return high-fives as he marveled at his findings while transferring her 2017 Cancun photos from his work computer to his iPhone.

“As a data scientist, I never want to make an assumption on results but instead let the data dictate the findings,” McBride said while cropping Holloway’s husband out of her photos. “And while I knew that this research was integral to my own personal growth, there was a high likelihood that the results would show that she’s no longer hot enough to be head varsity cheerleader.

“Fortunately, after reviewing posts from her birthday party in Las Vegas, it is 100% confirmed by science that Angela Holloway remains one fine cutie with a bootie, and also that she can also still do the splits.”

While McBride has been ecstatic with the results of his findings, he still considers his overall work inconclusive until he’s able to determine whether his college ex-girlfriend, Sharon Moran, ended up with a total loser after graduation.

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