Charlotte, NC – After realizing he has no control over anything else in his life, Kevin Thomas has found solace every morning picking out which of his overly colorful, flashy socks to wear for the day. Thomas confirmed that choosing this single aspect of his wardrobe is the only independent decision he’s allowed to make after his girlfriend, Kelley Logan, commandeered all dressing operations after he failed to wear a belt that matched his shoes when meeting her parents.
In addition to no longer making any decisions at home, Thomas spends his days at work following whatever orders are given to him by his boss, his coworkers, or the CEO’s oldest son, who demanded that Thomas finish his math homework. His last known moment of independence was choosing Futura Light font for his email signature, which resulted in a performance write-up by his manager for “failure to maintain office decorum.”
“The best two minutes of my day are choosing which socks to wear,” Thomas told sources. “After that, I’m basically just an empty vessel traveling between my job and my apartment to be told what to do. If I were a video game character, I’d be one of those Grand Theft Auto NPCs walking by himself that you run over without even thinking about it.
“But when I’m sitting on the bed and picking which pair of Bomba’s argyle arch-supported calf-length dress socks will carry me through the day, I get to feel the same rush of power that the President gets when he chooses his socks in the morning.”
Thomas says that his next-favorite part of the day are the 30 seconds he spends every morning idling in his driveway, where he daydreams about driving straight to the airport and restarting his life as a bounty hunter in Colombia.