Dallas, TX – After cramming her feet into every crevasse and cranny, Tracy Walters declared sole proprietorship of the office’s new $2,000 West Elm leather sofa. Walters spent over 40 minutes probing the couch cushions with her hooves while also commenting on how sweating they were after returning from her five-mile sock-less run.
When asked for comment about her hostile couch takeover, Walters paused her Homedics foot bath before placing both wet feet on the armrest.
“I don’t come to work to make friends,” a defiant Walters responded. “I come here to do my job and do some self-myofascial release on my arches. And I do both of those things better when I’m ensconced in top-grain leather, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I’ve annexed this couch as my own.
“Frankly, if this hadn’t worked I was ready to go pantsless.”