Milwaukee, WI – Declaring herself “the one with all the power now”, office receptionist Patty Frazier announced that none of her coworkers would receive any Valentine’s Day gifts until management gave in to her demands. Her requests include unlimited paid time off, a 50% pay raise, and for Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre to divorce his wife and propose to Frazier on the spot, preferably while wearing Hugh Grant’s costume from the movie, Sense and Sensibility.
Frazier remains barricaded in the storage closet with every single gift, and she has told executives that for every minute her demands aren’t met, Frazier will consume one See’s candy, starting with the white chocolate and leaving only the gross pieces that are pretty much nothing but nuts.
“There’s nothing we can do,” confided Sherry Babcock, Vice President of Human Resources. “No one has a spare key. She’s got all the cards now.
“I’m not being figurative here, she literally has all the Valentine’s Day cards, as well as those chocolate-covered strawberries that my husband always gets.”
Despite the unusual circumstances, Milwaukee police are confident that they can defuse the situation with minimal casualties.
“Unfortunately, our SWAT team has dealt with Valentine’s hostage situations every year since 1999,” stated police chief Raymond Wyatt. “Single women on Valentine’s Day are under so much social pressure that it’s only a matter of time before one of them kidnaps Ryan Seacrest and forces him to make fondue for the rest of his life.
“But if there’s a silver lining to any of this, it’s that the SWAT team never has to buy Valentine’s Day gifts since all the recovered goods go straight to their wives and mistresses.”