Vancouver, WA – Declaring it a tragedy that couldn’t be prevented, anti-vaccination publicity agency VacciNOtions’ CEO, Reuben Conner, confirmed that all of the company’s employees had passed away after an account executive infected with measles courageously came to work instead of calling out sick. More than 30 employees are confirmed dead after they opted not to go to to the hospital and instead attempted to treat the disease by arguing on Instagram about why salmonella is actually a superfood.
VacciNOtions gained notoriety after spending over a decade waging a media blitz against vaccinations, claiming that the inoculations cause autism, lycanthropy, and cannibalism. Their most notable moment came in 2014, when Conner blamed his infidelity as the result of the chicken pox vaccine, noting that all of his 32 affairs came after he was vaccinated at seven years old.
Conner told the media that now isn’t the time to focus on VacciNOtions’ message or the ongoing IRS investigation into its finances, but instead to focus on answers.
“It’s unfathomable to think that tragedies like this can still happen in this day and age,” Conner lamented. “If only we could leverage the scientific community’s collective knowledge to find a way to prevent these diseases from ever affecting us again, in some sort of easily administered cure that could be provided before any child ever has to even know that such terrible suffering is possible.
“Too bad all those a–holes are busy pretending the earth is round and faking moon landings. What a waste.”