Pittsburgh, PA – Seemingly oblivious to the fact that all of his coworkers want to punch him in the face, George Zimmerman has devoutly emulated his favorite hyper-intelligent, arrogant, pretentious TV characters while at work. Zimmerman, who models almost all of his human interaction off of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock, and that other asshole from Scorpion, has long assumed that everyone else was also rooting for these shmucks when in reality almost all viewers are hoping these characters receive their comeuppance from a sassy short woman, preferably with a nose ring.
With absolutely no awareness that his behavior is socially unacceptable in the real world, Zimmerman has inadvertently embraced his role as office dickhead.
His manager, Lori Cummings, has expressed her own frustrations with H.R., but she was informed not to write Zimmerman up about his behavior due to concerns that he might actually have some kind of mental disorder.
“They told me not to chew him out because he could be on the spectrum or something,” said Cummings. “Like the reason he knocks on my desk and says my name three times is because he’s autistic and not because he’s just watched too much Big Bang Theory.
“He’s not retarded, he’s just a dumbass that was raised by television instead of wolves.”
When asked to comment about his office behavior, Zimmerman replied: “it’s painful to see my coworkers struggle to understand my intelligence. Unfortunately, it’s not like they chose to be dumb, just like Peter Parker didn’t choose to be Spider-man.
“But like Uncle Ben said, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’, and it’s my responsibility to make Lori Cummings feel as stupid as the Incredible Hulk whenever she forgets to turn off her out of office responder in Gmail.”
Zimmerman stated that while he has figured out how to authentically recreate almost every personality tic of these socially deranged TV tropes, he has yet to figure out how to meet a woman that finds his intellect incredibly attractive.