Hartsville, NY – Before heading to work and listening to his favorite guilty pleasure, Maroon 5, Chris Barrett meticulously reviewed the interior of his BMW 320 to confirm that the windows were sealed completely, fearful that a single window lowered even millimeters could potentially alert nearby strangers that Adam Levine’s dulcet vocals were coming from inside the car. Barrett, a die-hard New York Giants, Yankees, and Rangers fan, deer-hunting aficionado, and self-proclaimed “alpha male”, has told his psychiatrist multiple times that nothing in life scares him more than his friends finding out that his favorite band is actually Maroon 5 and not Limp Bizkit.
In order to maintain his secret, Barrett has developed an incredibly detailed, highly paranoid routine to avoid getting outed by his roommates. Barrett will leave for work before they wake up, then drive to a closed Pizza Hut and check that all of his windows are completely shut, even lighting a match to see if there’s a breeze coming from a loose gasket. After that, he will pop his trunk to confirm that none of his roommates are inside, either to catch him listening to Maroon 5 or just from drinking too much. Finally, Barrett will check that he didn’t accidentally butt-dial anyone during the entire ordeal.
“I know that my security protocol may seem like a lot to do, especially since it adds about 45 minutes to my morning,” said Barrett. “But I can’t risk any of my friends finding out that instead of waking up early every morning to teach Navy SEALs how to shoot guns, I’m actually just listening to ‘Moves Like Jagger’ on repeat?
“What other layers will they peel away? What if they find out I haven’t actually won over 500 bar fights in college?”