Seattle, WA – Determined to finally fulfill his dream of building “Uber for coffee”, Spencer Powell told his team that they’ll have almost unlimited funding and resources as soon as he knocks up Mackenzie Bezos, the separated wife of billionaire Jeff Bezos. Despite the two having never met, nor having any connection beyond both being Seattle residents, Powell is confident that Mackenzie Bezos will fall for him simply by being everything that Jeff Bezos isn’t: thick-haired, incredibly broke, and not under massive regulatory scrutiny by the government.
As Powell skimmed over Mackenzie’s Wikipedia page, he assured his team that “Operation Amazon Primal” is practically guaranteed to succeed because Mackenzie Bezos has dedicated much of her time to working with charity, and that he himself is a charity case. He also stated that he agrees “at least 80, maybe even 85 percent” with her stance that bullying is bad, though Powell did say that some kids deserve to be bullied if they’re either short or fat.
Employees remain skeptical that Powell will be able to acquire the funding, noting that he made similar promises about “The Big O Project”. However, despite his best efforts, Oprah Winfrey stopped returning Powell’s calls after the fourth date.