Chicago, IL – Employees at home stereo retail store Tundracoustics were horrified to discover that Calvin Silva is a subhuman monster after asking multiple coworkers if they had an Android charger, presumably assuming that some other soulless degenerate in the building didn’t own an iPhone. Sources report that no coworkers were harmed during the situation and were able to successfully reach their boss to file harassment and safety complaints against Silva.
“At first I thought Calvin was just asking for a pre-FireWire charger, which would’ve still been suspicious since no one can possibly go longer than two years without upgrading their iPhone, but then he pulled this black box out of his pocket that said ‘Samsung’ up top,” Angela Mathis told HR. “And that’s when I realized my life was in imminent danger and hit him with my pepper spray. Not a cop in the world would arrest me.”
Despite HR’s assurances that Silva would be investigated, other coworkers felt compelled to take action into their own hands.
“I Googled the crap out of his name, but nothing came up,” explained Paul Bishop. “Then I ran his name across every prison database, which came up empty, most likely due to some sort of Google conspiracy. After that, I called his high school to find out what year he was expelled for killing squirrels. All they did was tell me to stop harassing their staff, since I guess they train their students to be serial killers.
“Whoever he’s killed, he’s done a great job of hiding his tracks.”