Santa Monica, CA – Caroline Morgan left work early after her manager, Jacqueline Hammond, included a vegan option specifically for her during a lunch meeting. Morgan had spent the previous evening and her morning commute practicing her lecture that failing to take her vegan diet into consideration is a microcosm of what’s wrong with the world and exemplified why the American empire would crumble. But instead, her entire week was ruined when Hammond thoughtlessly provided a homemade curried broccoli chickpea salad.
Morgan was visibly stunned upon realizing that her entire diatribe had been ruined, and tried to act quickly by accusing Hammond of using non-biodegradable silverware. When Hammond replied that the silverware was not only biodegradable but that the company also donated a dollar to starving children in Africa for every spork bought, Morgan left the meeting early while fighting back tears.
“It’s just so rude of her to think of my every concern,” cried Morgan. “I spent all night thinking of ways to compare the vegan struggle to the civil rights movement, and it’s all for nothing.
“What’s the point of this incredibly unfulfilling lifestyle if I’m not allowed to throw it in everyone else’s face?”
When asked for a response, Hammond simply shrugged and said, “we’re in Santa Monica. Half the city is vegan, and by the time they’re bored of it, the other half will have converted to it too. If Caroline really wants to shock people with veganism, she’s going to need a time machine, because Los Angeles has learned to accomodate attention-seeking diet restricters.
“Except for gluten-free people, they can all go starve to death.”