Burbank, CA – Dylan Ritter, social media manager for local breakfast spot How Would You Like Your Eggs, told his girlfriend, Shannon Murphy, that he no longer knows what to believe after the Instagram account world_record_egg’s stock photo of a brown egg surpassed over 40 million likes. When Murphy mentioned that it had overtaken “Despacito” as the most liked media on the internet, Ritter, who has posted over three thousand egg photos in his career, could only shake his head and repeatedly mutter, “there is no god, and this is hell.”
“It doesn’t make sense,” Ritter said while poring through binders full of copious notes involving ova-related hashtags. “I’ve dedicated years to building an online presence for eggs, I’ve tested organic, GMO, brown, white, even ostrich, and none of my models ever predicted this.”
Ritter, always one to check his work and follow scientific testing principles commonly shared by social media managers and genetic testing facilities, proceeded to return to his laboratory to re-run his Instagram Poultry Cultural Influence Lifecycle Simulation again to see if he could replicate world_record_egg’s results. Unfortunately, Ritter’s simulation failed again, only able to model out 2.2 million likes.
“They must have someone working inside of Instagram, possibly in the government, maybe all the way to the President,” murmured Ritter. “Either that, or the world we live in as an elaborate computer simulation, and we’re all just meaningless pixels on some alien’s desktop wallpaper.”
Despite his ongoing panic, Murphy remains confident that he will eventually return to normal, noting that he experienced a similar moment of disillusion after the “Leave Britney Alone” guy went viral.