Los Angeles, CA – As the government shutdown extends into its fourth week and federal workers deal with the ramifications of missed paychecks, many airport workers have started calling out sick in protest. However, LAX airport TSA security screener Luke Armstrong continues to come into work, stating that the nation’s security depends too heavily on what he finds inside travelers’ rectums.
Armstrong, a high school dropout that joined the TSA after struggling as an outdoor sign spinner for Chili’s, sympathizes with his coworkers’ financial burdens. But he refuses to follow their lead by not showing up to work, instead remaining committed to providing little help to travelers, pretending not to speak English when they ask for help, and forcing anyone that doesn’t respect his power to take three, sometimes four, fingers inside their deepest recesses.
“It’s the duty of every American to protect everyone in this country from terrorism,” Armstrong told reporters. “And I may not have had the grades to go to college and become an aerospace engineer, and my multiple DUI convictions – both on land at seas – in high school may have kept me out of all branches of the military, including the Coast Guard, but if there’s one thing this great nation has entrusted me with, it’s going deep inside strangers’ butts to check for hidden knives, explosives, and, on more than one occasion, rectal polyps.
“Honestly, I would do this for free.”
Armstrong says that he is willing to work for as long as the government is shut down, noting that not even the perilously low supply of rubber gloves would stop him from doing his job.