New York, NY – In an effort to keep retail stores open across the country, Sears chairman Eddie Lampert submitted a takeover bid of over $5 billion that is contingent upon all of Middle America canceling their Internet service, which he believes will allow Sears to compete with online etail companies such as Amazon and eBay. Lampert also wants wireless phones, fax machines, and cars to be removed as a phase two, pending Sears’ revival as a staple of the American household.
“As Chairman, it’s my responsibility to usher Sears into the modern era,” stated Lambert in his office. “And the best way to do that is by bringing the rest of technology back 50-100 years.
“Let’s hit the reset button and go back to a time when families couldn’t just click a button on a website and get whatever they want, but instead they had to watch the father of the family try to build it himself and instead create a shoddy death trap that culled the weak from the strong.”
Lambert paused to smash all electronic devices in his office with a sledgehammer, including a Samsung Smart TV, the latest iPhone, and his $3,000 Robo Golf Swing Fixer. Satisfied with his handiwork, he continued.
“Sears helped build this country, and it is my intention that it continues to do so, provided that all of the services that have surpassed us are disconnected, removed, or burned to the ground.”