Albany, NY – After finally wrapping up an especially grueling day in the office, senior analyst Victor Cullen is looking forward to spending the rest of his evening by incessantly checking his work email while repeatedly replaying the day’s events in his mind on what he should have done differently. These scenarios include stuttering while trying to make small talk with the CEO and telling a joke that no one laughed at during his presentation earlier in the day.
“I deal with so much nonsense at work, so it’s important that I have a home routine that guarantees I never leave the terrible headspace I’ve created for myself the entire day,” boasted Cullen. “While some hipster gurus preach about a ‘work-life balance’, I believe that it’s much more important for work to bleed over everything else in life until it’s the only thing that any personal self-worth can be measured against.
“Nothing keeps me up at night more than the thought of the CEO sending an email and having to wait until the next day for me to respond. Seriously, I’m up until 3a.m. every night just in case he sends something.”
Cullen will typically spend his weeknights playing whatever Netflix show his coworkers are currently discussing at the office as background noise while he obsessively checks his iPhone’s mail app every 20 seconds to check for any minor update at work. Cullen’s girlfriend, Amanda Rigby, has grown accustomed to his evening ritual and now spends her evenings trading nude selfies with local strangers on Tinder.