Santa Monica, CA – Executives at Anacondagram released a statement acknowledging that their servers had been hacked and apologized for the user data breach. Anacondagram, which calls itself the “premier technology service for taking artistic photos of your junk”, is best known for allowing male users to quickly take and edit extremely flattering photos of their genitals and send them to women without revealing their identity.
“We sincerely apologize for this unwanted invasion of privacy,” stated CEO Ernest Baldwin, who insisted that news outlets position their cameras directly below his crotch. “These dick pics of our incredibly well-endowed userbase are meant to be shared with the photographer’s loved ones, coworkers, girls on Facebook that accept a friend request without verifying if they actually know the person, and any woman that has ever accepted a free drink at a bar.
“There isn’t a man among us at Anacondagram that can understand what a violation this must feel like to have something so unsolicited happen without your consent.”
The apology, however, hasn’t stopped outrage among Anacondagram’s users. An anonymous senator promised to prosecute the company to the fullest extent of the law for failing to protect their userbase’s data, and also for allegedly making his penis look 3-5 inches smaller than his own measurements.