New Haven, CT – Inspired by a combination of reading up on the theory of feng shui and Sun Tzu’s Art of War, Cayden Robson, CEO of information technology support company Damn-IT, recently reconfigured the office into an open environment, and he continues to rave about how the redesigned floorplan has improved his ability to belittle and demean his employees by over 300%. While the previous office space required him to walk into multiple offices and down unnecessary hallways in order to yell at someone, Robson is now able to quickly and easily bring over half the office to tears at once by informing them en masse of how the world would be better off if their parents had remained celibate their entire lives.
“Before the redesign, I would only get extremely negative, vindictively personal feedback from Cayden in person once a week, sometimes with an a phone call during dinner if he was really upset by my performance,” said CFO Lisbeth Warner. “Now, he’s able to completely shatter my confidence at least three times each week, without warning, and now, it’s no longer just in front of my department, but also marketing, tech, and H.R. Everyone gets to listen in when he tells me that the reason I’m on my third marriage is because I still don’t know how to update a quarterly revenue projection.
“And since Cayden isn’t one to take his foot off the pedal, he’s still calling me at home to tell me I suck.”
Robson, delighted by initial results, plans to replace all the walls in the bathroom with see-through glass as a next step.