Pensacola, FL – H.R. officials grew concerned after it was discovered that Yoganasty employees had already burned through the entire monthly supply of complimentary hand lotion. The lotion was provided as a perk after executives decided to cancel all vacation days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s.
“While it is understandable that our team would prefer to have these holidays off, Yoganasty executives have determined that our culture thrives best when it’s challenged to work under constant deadlines and with absolutely no break in sight,” stated Yoganasty President Connor Chase. “That’s why we’ve also provided best-in-class perks like unlimited baby wipes, free hand lotion, and caffeine pills that would keep a trucker awake for over a dozen straight cross-country trips.”
Chase refused to comment on competitive perks provided by other companies in the tech sector, such as unlimited PTO, work from home policies, and paid meals, instead insisting that those perks all overlooked good skin.
“However, each day we go through enough lotion to lube an adult-sized elephant. Now, we don’t know why this is being used, and we don’t want to know why. We just want the obscenely large consumption to drop to a reasonable level.”
“Seriously though, please do not tell anyone in H.R. what you’re using the lotion for.”