Portland, OR – After CEO Dale Richards overheard his employees discussing the Rock’s physically demanding workout routine, he scoffed demonstrably, noting that he could handle the rigorous training regime if he was getting paid for it too. Richards, who hasn’t been in a gym since he played junior varsity high school tennis, considers himself among the top 10% physically fit males thanks to a combination of sporadic rounds of golf, building IKEA furniture himself, and eating red meat at every meal, and estimates that he’s “80% of the way” to having the Rock’s appearance.
“It’s not like it takes a lot of discipline to look like that,” stated Richards. “I could look like that in a couple weeks if I just started going to the gym before work, but I’ve got a business to run.
“Plus, he’s got a trainer, in case you didn’t know. In fact, I bet all of those Hollywood guys do.”
After finishing his second donut of the morning, Richards continued.
“I’d like to see Dwayne – his real name, by the way – work a real job eight hours a day, five days a week, and see if he’s still got the energy to go to the gym,” said Richards, who routinely leaves early to drink alone at the nearby Outback Steakhouse . “He’d hit ‘rock bottom’, if you smell what I’m cooking.”
Richards has been similarly unimpressed by Tom Brady’s record-breaking 2007 NFL season, the longevity of Tom Hanks’ acting career, and former United States senator John McCain’s military service.